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CHILD CARE GUIDEService that helps find local child care referral agencies. Information on Child Care regulations for each state. This is where to go for the list as well as national safety performance standards. A division of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. You will find a link here to a detailed list of questions to assist you in evaluating different forms of child care. Visit their web page to find a list of NAEYC's accredited centers in specific towns across the U.S. Learn about organic dairy products....why you should steer clear of growth hormones for the kids and yourself. Sign their guestbook and get coupons for their products. Learn about organic foods. Links to other sites of importance relating to pesticides. |
Some of our special friends have submitted some things for you to read and make you think. We don't know all the people that have submitted the following items, so if they are credited to the wrong person, or violate any copyrights, let us know and it will be corrected or removed. Feel free to Submit your story or joke. Please submit PG rated items only. We reserve the right not to post any submissions we feel innappropriate or offensive. You can browse this page slowly, or jump right to a story that someone told you to see by clicking on the title.
Once upon a time there was a child ready to be born. So one day she asked God:
They tell me you are sending me to earth tomorrow but how am I going to live there being so small and helpless?
Among the many angels, I chose one for you. She will be waiting for you and will take care of you.
But tell me, here in Heaven, I don't do anything else but sing and smile, that's enough for me to be happy.
Your angel will sing for you and will also smile for you every day. And you will feel your angel's love and be happy.
And how am I going to be able to understand when people talk to me, if I don't know the language that men talk?
Your angel will tell you the most beautiful and sweet words you will ever hear, and with much patience and care, your angel will teach you how to speak.
And what am I going to do when I want to talk to you?
Your angel will place your hands together and will teach you how to pray.
I've heard that on earth there are bad men. Who will protect me?
Your angel will defend you even if it means risking its life.
But I will always be sad because I will not see you anymore.
Your angel will always talk to you about me and will teach you the way for you to come back to me, even though I will always be next to you.
At that moment there was much peace in Heaven, but voices from earth could already be heard, and the child in a hurry asked softly:
Oh God, if I am about to leave now, please tell me my angel's name!
Your angel's name is of no importance, you will call your angel:
Some time ago, a friend of mine punished his 3-year-old daughter for wasting a roll of gold wrapping paper. Money was tight, and he became infuriated when the child tried to decorate a box to put under the tree. Nevertheless, the little girl brought the gift to her father the next morning and said, "This is for you, Daddy." He was embarrassed by his earlier overreaction, but his anger flared again when he found that the box was empty. He yelled at her, "Don't you know that when you give someone a present, there's supposed to be something inside of it?" The little girl looked up at him with tears in her eyes and said, "Oh, Daddy it's not empty. I blew kisses into the box. All for you, Daddy." The father was crushed. He put his arms around his little girl, and he begged her forgiveness.
My friend told me that he kept that gold box by his bed for years. Whenever he was discouraged, he would take out an imaginary kiss and remember the love of the child who had put it there. In a very real sense, each of us has been given a gold container filled with unconditional love and kisses. There is no more precious possession anyone could hold.
You now have the choice, you can:
1)Pass this on to your friends
2)Forget it and act like it didn't touch your heart.
Jeff was the kind of guy you love to hate. He was always in a good mood and always had something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, "If I were any better, I would be twins!"
He was a unique manager because he had several waiters who had followed him around from restaurant to restaurant. The reason the waiters followed Jeff was because of his attitude. He was a natural motivator. If an employee was having a bad day, Jeff was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation. Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up to Jeff and asked him, "I don't get it! You can't be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?" Jeff replied, "Each morning I wake up and say to myself, Jeff, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or you can choose to be in a bad mood.' I choose to be in a good mood. Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it. Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life."
"Yeah, right, it's not that easy," I protested. "Yes, it is," Jeff said. "Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people will affect your mood. You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line: It's your choice how you live life."
I reflected on what Jeff said. Soon thereafter, I left the restaurant industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it. Several years later, I heard that Jeff did something you are never supposed to do in a restaurant business: he left the back door open one morning and was held up at gunpoint by three armed robbers. While trying to open the safe, his hand, shaking from nervousness, slipped off the combination. The robbers panicked and shot him. Luckily, Jeff was found relatively quickly and rushed to the local trauma center. After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, Jeff was released from the hospital with fragments of the bullets still in his body.
I saw Jeff about six months after the accident. When I asked him how he was, he said, "If I were any better, I'd be twins. Wanna see my scars?" I declined to see his wounds, but did ask him what had gone through his mind as the robbery took place. "The first thing that went through my mind was that I should have locked the back door," Jeff replied. "Then, as I lay on the floor, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live, or I could choose to die. I chose to live.
"Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?" I asked. Jeff continued, "The paramedics were great. They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the emergency room and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read, He's a dead man. "I knew I needed to take action."
"What did you do?" I asked. "Well, there was a big, burly nurse shouting questions at me," said Jeff. "She asked if I was allergic to anything. 'Yes,' I replied. The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply. I took a deep breath and yelled, Bullets! Over their laughter, I told them, I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead." Jeff lived thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude. I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully. Attitude, after all, is everything.
You have 2 choices now:
1) Forget you read this and be miserable every day, or
2) Start living life to the fullest extent you can.
Hope you will choose the latter.
Work like you don't need the money! Love like you've never been hurt!
Dance like nobody's watching!
He stands at the plate with his heart pounding fast;
The bases are loaded; the die has been cast.
Mom and Dad cannot help him; he stands all alone.
A hit at this moment would send the team home.
The ball nears the plate; he swings and he misses.
There's a groan from the crowd, with some boos and some hisses.
A thoughtless voice cries, "Strike out the bum!"
Tears fill his eyes; the game's no longer fun.
Remember~~he's just a little boy who stands alone.
So open your heart and give him a break.
For it's moments like this a man you can make.
Keep this in mind when you hear someone forget,
He's just a little boy, not a man yet......
Author Unknown~~
This is a true story that occurred in 1994 and is told by Lloyd Glen:
Throughout our lives we are blessed with spiritual experiences, some of which are very sacred and confidential, and others, although sacred, are meant to be shared. Last summer my family had a spiritual experience that had a lasting and profound impact on us, one we feel must be shared. It's a message of love. It's a message of regaining perspective, and restoring proper balance and renewing priorities. In humility, I pray that I might, in relating this story, give you a gift my little son, Brian, gave our family one summer day last year.
On July 22nd I was enroute to Washington DC for a business trip. It was all so very ordinary, until we landed in Denver for a plane change. As I collected my belongings from the overhead bin, an announcement was made for Mr. Lloyd Glenn to see the United Customer Service Representative immediately. I thought nothing of it until I reached the door to leave the plane and I heard a gentleman asking every male if they were Mr. Glenn. At this point I knew something was wrong and my heart sunk. When I got off the plane a solemn-faced young man came toward me and said, "Mr. Glenn, there is an emergency at your home. I do not know what the emergency is, or who is involved, but I will take you to the phone so you can call the hospital."
My heart was now pounding, but the will to be calm took over. Woodenly, I followed this stranger to the distant telephone where I called the number he gave me for the Mission Hospital. My call was put through to the trauma center where I learned that my three-year-old son had been trapped underneath the automatic garage door for several minutes, and that when my wife had found him he was dead. CPR had been performed by a neighbor, who is a doctor, and the paramedics had continued the treatment as Brian was transported to the hospital. By the time of my call, Brian was revived and they believed he would live, but they did not know how much damage had been done to his brain, nor to his heart. They explained that the door had completely closed on his little sternum right over his heart. He had been severely crushed. After speaking with the medical staff, my wife sounded worried but not hysterical, and I took comfort in her calmness. The return flight seemed to last forever, but finally I arrived at the hospital six hours after the garage door had come down. When I walked into the intensive care unit, nothing could have prepared me to see my little son laying so still on a great big bed with tubes and monitors everywhere. He was on a respirator. I glanced at my wife who stood and tried to give me a reassuring smile. It all seemed like terrible dream. I was filled-in with the details and given a guarded prognosis. Brian was going to live, and the preliminary tests indicated that his heart was OK, two miracles in and of themselves.
But only time would tell if his brain received any damage. Throughout the seemingly endless hours, my wife was calm. She felt that Brian would eventually be all right. I hung on to her words and faith like a lifeline. All that night and the next day Brian remained unconscious. It seemed like forever since I had left for my business trip the day before. Finally at two o'clock that afternoon, our son regained consciousness and sat up uttering the most beautiful words I have ever heard spoken. He said, "Daddy hold me" and he reached for me with his little arms.
[TEAR BREAK...smile]
By the next day he was pronounced as having no neurological or physical deficits, and the story of his miraculous survival spread throughout the hospital. You cannot imagine our gratitude and joy. As we took Brian home we felt a unique reverence for the life and love of our Heavenly Father that comes to those who brush death so closely. In the days that followed there was a special spirit about our home. Our two older children were much closer to their little brother. My wife and I were much closer to each other, and all of us were very close as a whole family. Life took on a less stressful pace. Perspective seemed to be more focused, and balance much easier to gain and maintain. We felt deeply blessed. Our gratitude was truly profound.
The story is not over (smile)!
Almost a month later to the day of the accident, Brian awoke from his afternoon nap and said, "Sit down mommy. I have something to tell you." At this time in his life, Brian usually spoke in small phrases, so to say a large sentence surprised my wife. She sat down with him on his bed and he began his sacred and remarkable story. "Do you remember when I got stuck under the garage door? Well it was so heavy and it hurt really bad. I called to you, but you couldn't hear me. I started to cry, but then it hurt too bad. And then the birdies came. "The birdies?" my wife asked puzzled. "Yes," he replied. "The birdies made a whooshing sound and flew into the garage. They took care of me."
"They did?" "Yes" he said. "One of the birdies came and got you. She came to tell you I got stuck under the door." A sweet reverent feeling filled the room. The spirit was so strong and yet lighter than air. My wife realized that a three-year-old had no concept of death and spirits, so he was referring to the beings who came to him from beyond as "birdies" because they were up in the air like birds that fly. "What did the birdies look like?" she asked. Brian answered, "They were so beautiful. They were dressed in white, all white. Some of them had green and white. But some of them had on just white." "Did they say anything?" "Yes" he answered. "They told me the baby would be alright." "The baby?" my wife asked confused. Brian answered. "The baby laying on the garage floor." He went on, "You came out and opened the garage door and ran to the baby. You told the baby to stay and not leave." My wife nearly collapsed upon hearing this, for she had indeed gone and knelt beside Brian's body and seeing his crushed chest and recognizable features, knowing he was already dead, she looked up around her and whispered, "Don't leave us Brian, please stay if you can." As she listened to Brian telling her the words she had spoken, she realized that the spirit had left his body and was looking down from above on this little lifeless form. "Then what happened?" she asked. "We went on a trip." He said, "far, far away." He grew agitated trying to say the things he didn't seem to have the words for. My wife tried to calm and comfort him, and let him know it would be okay. He struggled with wanting to tell something that obviously was very important to him, but finding the words was difficult. "We flew so fast up in the air. They're so pretty Mommy." he added. "And there is lots and lots of birdies." My wife was stunned. Into her mind the sweet comforting spirit enveloped her more soundly, but with an urgency she had never before known. Brian went on to tell her that the "birdies" had told him that he had to come back and tell everyone about the "birdies". He said they brought him back to the house and that a big fire truck, and an ambulance were there. A man was bringing the baby out on a white bed and he tried to tell the man that the baby would be okay, but the man couldn't hear him. He said the birdies told him he had to go with the ambulance, but they would be near him. He said, they were so pretty and so peaceful, and he didn't want to come back.
Then the bright light came. He said that the light was so bright and so warm, and he loved the bright light so much. Someone was in the bright light and put their arms around him, and told him, "I love you but you have to go back. You have to play baseball, and tell everyone about the birdies." Then the person in the bright light kissed him and waved bye-bye.
Then WHOOOOSSSSHHH, the big sound came and they went into the clouds. The story went on for an hour. He taught us that "birdies" were always with us, but we don't see them because we look with our eyes and we don't hear them because we listen with our ears. But they are always there, you can only see them in here (he put his hand over his heart). They whisper the things to Help us to do what is right because they love us so much. Brian continued, stating, "I have a plan, Mommy. You have a plan. Daddy has a plan. Everyone has a plan. We must all live our plan and keep our promises. The birdies help us to do that cause they love us so much."
In the weeks that followed, he often came to us and told all, or part of it again and again. Always the story remained the same. The details were never changed or out of order. A few times he added further bits of information and clarified the message he had already delivered. It never ceased to amaze us how he could tell such detail and speak beyond his ability when he spoke of his Birdies". Everywhere he went, he told strangers about the "birdies". Surprisingly, no one ever looked at him strangely when he did this. Rather, they always got a softened look on their face and smiled.
Needless to say, we have not been the same ever since that day, and I pray we never will be.
Some people come into our lives and quickly go........
Some people become friends and stay a while... leaving beautiful footprints on our hearts.......
And we are never quite the same because we have made a good friend!!
Yesterday is history. Tomorrow a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why it's called the present! live and savor every moment.....this is not a dress rehearsal!
We convince ourselves that life will be better after we get married, have a baby, then another. Then we are frustrated that the kids aren't old enough and we'll be more content when they are. After that we're frustrated that we have teenagers to deal with. We will certainly be happy when they are out of that stage. We tell ourselves that our life will be complete when our spouse gets his or her act together, when we get a nicer car, are able to go on a nice vacation, when we retire.
The truth is, there's no better time to be happy than right now. If
not
now, when?
Your life will always be filled with challenges. It's best to admit
this to yourself and decide to be happy anyway. One of my favorite
quotes comes from Alfred D Souza. He said,
This perspective has helped me to see that there is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way. So, treasure every moment that you have. And treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time...and remember that time waits for no one...
So stop waiting until you finish school, until you go back to school, until you lose ten pounds, until you gain ten pounds, until you have kids, until your kids leave the house, until you start work, until you retire, until you get married, until you get divorced, until Friday night, until Sunday morning, until you get a new car or home, until your car or home is paid off, until spring, until summer, until fall, until winter, until you are off welfare, until the first or fifteenth, until your song comes on, until you've had a drink, until you've sobered up, until you die, until you are born again to decide that there is no better time than right now to be happy...
Happiness is a journey, not a destination.
Thoughts for the day:
Work like you don't need money,
Love like you've never been hurt,
And dance like no one's watching.
The Wemmicks were small wooden people. Each of the wooden people was carved by a woodworker named Eli. His workshop sat on a hill overlooking their village. Every Wemmick was different. Some had big noses, others had large eyes. Some were tall and others were short. Some wore hats, others wore coats. But all were made by the same carver and all lived in the village. And all day, every day, the Wemmicks did the same thing:
They gave each other stickers.
Each Wemmick had a box of golden star stickers and a box of gray dot stickers. Up and down the streets all over the city, people could be seen sticking stars or dots on one another. The pretty ones, those with smooth wood and fine paint, always got stars. But if the wood was rough or the paint chipped, the Wemmicks gave dots. The talented ones got stars, too.. Some could lift big sticks high above their heads or jump over tall boxes. Still others knew big words or could sing very pretty songs. Everyone gave them stars. Some Wemmicks had stars all over them! Every time they got a star it made them feel so good that they did something else and got another star.
Others, though, could do little. They got dots. Punchinello was one of these. He tried to jump high like the others, but he always fell. And when he fell, the others would gather around and give him dots. Sometimes when he fell, it would scar his wood, so the people would give him more dots. He would try to explain why he fell and say something silly, and the Wemmicks would give him more dots. After a while he had so many dots that he didn't want to go outside. He was afriad he would do something dumb such as forget his hat or step in the water, and then people would give him another dot. In fact, he had so many gray dots that some people would come up and give him one without reason. "He deserves lots of dots," the wooden people would agree with one another. "He's not a good wooden person."
After a while Punchinello believed them. "I'm not a good wemmick," he would say. The few times he went outside, he hung around other Wemmicks who had a lot of dots. He felt better around them. One day he met a Wemmick who was unlike any he'd ever met. She had no dots or stars. She was just wooden. Her name was Lulia. It wasn't that people didn't try to give her stickers; it's just that the stickers didn't stick. Some admired Lulia for having no dots, so they would run up and give her a star. But it would fall off. Some would look down on her for having no stars, so they would give her a dot. But it wouldn't stay either. That's the way I want to be, thought Punchinello. I don't want anyone's marks. So he asked the stickerless Wemmick how she did it.
"It's easy," Lulia replied. "every day I go see Eli." "Eli?" "Yes, Eli. The woodcarver. I sit in the workshop with him." "Why?" "Why don't you find out for yourself? Go up the hill. He's there." And with that the Wemmick with no marks turned and skipped away. "But he won't want to see me!" Punchinello cried out. Lulia didn't hear.
So Punchinello went home. He sat near a window and watched the wooden people as they scurried around giving each other stars and dots. "It's not right," he muttered to himself. And he resolved to go see Eli. He walked up the narrow path to the top of the hill and stepped into the big shop. His wooden eyes widened at the size of everything. The stool was as tall as he was. He had to stretch on his tiptoes to see the top of the workbench. A hammer was as long as his arm. Punchinello swallowed hard. "I'm not staying here!" and he turned to leave. Then he heard his name. "Punchinello?" The voice was deep and strong. Punchinello stopped. "Punchinello! How good to see you. Come and let me have a look at you." Punchinello turned slowly and looked at the large bearded craftsman. "You know my name?" the little Wemmick asked. "Of course I do. I made you." Eli stooped down and picked him up and set him on the bench. "Hmm," the maker spoke thoughtfully as he inspected the gray circles. "Looks like you've been given some bad marks." "I didn't mean to, Eli. I really tried hard." "Oh, you don't have to defend yourself to me, child. I don't care what the other Wemmicks think." "You don't?" "No, and you shouldn't either. Who are they to give stars or dots? They're Wemmicks just like you. What they think doesn't matter, Punchinello. All that matters is what I think. And I think you are pretty special." Punchinello laughed. "Me, special? Why? I can't walk fast. I can't jump. My paint is peeling. Why do I matter to you?" Eli looked at Punchinello, put his hands on those small wooden shoulders, and spoke very slowly. "Because you're mine. That's why you matter to me." Punchinello had never had anyone look at him like this--much less his maker. He didn't know what to say.
"Every day I've been hoping you'd come," Eli explained. "I came because I met someone who had no marks." "I know. She told me about you." "Why don't the stickers stay on her?" "Because she has decided that what I think is more important than what they think. The stickers only stick if you let them." "What?" "The stickers only stick if they matter to you. The more you trust my love, the less you care about the stickers." "I'm not sure I understand." "You will, but it will take time. You've got a lot of marks. For now, just come to see me every day and let me remind you how much I care." Eli lifted Punchinello off the bench and set him on the ground. "Remember," Eli said as the Wemmick walked out the door. "You are special because I made you. And I don't make mistakes."
Punchinello didn't stop, but in his heart he thought, "I think he really means it."
And when he did, a dot fell to the ground.
-Author unknown
A while back I was reading about an expert on subject of time management. One day this expert was speaking to a group of business students and, to drive home a point, used an illustration I'm sure those students will never forget. After I share it with you, you'll never forget it either.
As this man stood in front of the group of high-powered overachievers he said, "Okay, time for a quiz." Then he pulled out a one-gallon, wide-mouthed mason jar and set it on a table in front of him. Then he produced about a dozen fist-sized rocks and carefully placed them, one at a time, into the jar. When the jar was filled to the top and no more rocks would fit inside, he asked;
"Is this jar full?"
Everyone in the class said, "Yes." Then he said, "Really?" He reached under the table and pulled out a bucket of gravel. Then he dumped some gravel in and shook the jar causing pieces of gravel to work themselves down into the spaces between the big rocks. Then he smiled and asked the group once more;
"Is the jar full?"
This time the class was on to him. "Probably not," one of them answered. "Good!" he replied. And he reached under the table and brought out a bucket of sand. He started dumping the sand in and it went into all the spaces left between the rocks and the gravel. Once more he asked the question, "Is this jar full?" "No!" the class shouted. Once again he said, "Good!" Then he grabbed a pitcher of water and began to pour it in until the jar was filled to the brim.
Then he looked up at the class and asked,"What is the point of this illustration?" One eager beaver raised his hand and said, "The point is, no matter how full your schedule is, if you try really hard, you can always fit some more things into it!"
"No," the speaker replied, "that's not the point. What this illustration teaches us is; If you don't put the big rocks in first, you'll never get them in at all."
The title of this letter is The "Big Rocks" of Life.
What are the big rocks in your life?
Your faith?
A project that you want to accomplish?
Time with your loved ones?
Your education, your finances?
A cause?
Teaching or mentoring others?
Remember to put these BIG ROCKS in first or you'll never get them in at all.
So, tonight, or in the morning when you are reflecting on this short story, ask yourself this question: What are the "big rocks" in my life? Then, put those in your jar tomorrow.
If I had my child to raise all over again,
I'd finger paint more, and point the finger less.
I'd do less correcting, and more connecting.
I'd take my eyes off my watch,
and watch with my eyes.
I would care to know less, and know to care more.
I'd take more hikes and fly more kites.
I'd stop playing serious, and seriously play.
I would run through more fields
and gaze at more stars.
I'd do more hugging, and less tugging.
I would be firm less often, and affirm much more.
I'd build self-esteem first, and the house later.
I'd teach less about the love of power,
and more about the power of love.
By: Diane Looma
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
"How old are you?"~~~~~~~~ "I'm 4 and half."
You're never 36 and a half, but you're 4 and a half going on 5! That's the key. You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number.
"How old are you?"~~~~~~~~ "I'm gonna be 16."
You could be 12, but you're gonna be 16. And then the greatest day of your life happens: you become 21. Even the words sounds like a ceremony-you BECOME 21. YES!!!!
But then you turn 30. Ooohhh, what happened here?? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED. We had to throw him out. There's no fun now. What's wrong?? What changed???
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30 then you're PUSHING 40
...stay over there, it's all slipping away...
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50
...my dreams are gone...
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50 and then you MAKE IT to 60
...Whew! I didn't think I'd make it...
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, You're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50, you MAKE IT to 60,
And by then you've built up so much speed, you HIT 70!
After that, it's a day by day thing. You HIT Wednesday, you get into your 80s, you HIT lunch. I mean my grandmother won't even buy green bananas, "Well it's an investment, you know, and maybe a bad one."
And it doesn't end there..............
Into the 90's, you start going backwards:
I was JUST 92.
Then a strange thing happens, if you make it over 100, you become a little kid again:
I'm 100 and a half!!
Love: When you take a bubble bath together
Lust: When you take a bath in Jell-o together
Marriage: When you give the kids a bath
Love: A romantic candle-light dinner for two
Lust: "Do I have to buy you dinner first?"
Marriage: 4 McDonald's Happy Meals . . . to go
Love: Giving your love some candy
Lust: Thinking you are the candy
Marriage: Scraping the kids' candy off of the carpet
Love: Sex every night
Lust: Sex 5 times a night
Marriage: What's sex?
Love: A night out at the symphony
Lust: A night out at the Holiday Inn
Marriage: A night out at Sesame Street On Ice
Love: French perfume
Lust: Brut aftershave
Marriage: What's that smell? I think the baby needs changing. . .
Love: Lending your jacket to your love when he/she is cold
Lust: "I can think of a way to stay warm . . ."
Marriage: Your teenaged daughter has borrowed all of your jackets
Love: Talking and cuddling
Lust: Rolling over and falling asleep
Marriage: Getting up to wash your hands . . .
Love: Finding the "Fell in Love on AOL" room
Lust: Finding the "Blonde Dominatrix" room
Marriage: Finding the "Married, just looking" room
Love: Long drives through the countryside
Lust: Long parking sessions at Lover's Lookout
Marriage: Long drives with the kids screaming in the backseat
Trade-named BOOK.
BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so easy to use, even a child can operate it. Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere -- even sitting in an armchair by the fire -- yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD- ROM disc.Here's how it works: BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered
sheets of paper (recyclable), each
capable of holding thousands of bits of information.
The pages are
locked together with a custom-fit
device called a binder which keeps the sheets in their correct
sequence.
Opaque Paper Technology
(OPT) allows manufacturers to use both sides of the sheet, doubling
the information density and
cutting costs.
Experts are divided on the prospects for further
increases in information density;
for now, BOOKS with more information simply use more pages.
Each
sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your
brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet. BOOK may be
taken up at any time and used merely by opening it.
BOOK never crashes or requires rebooting, though, like other devices,
it can become damaged if coffee is spilled on it and it becomes
unusable if dropped too many times on a hard surface. The "browse"
feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or
backward as you
wish.
Many come with an "index" feature, which pinpoints the exact
location of any selected information for instant retrieval.
An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open BOOK to the exact
place you left it in a previous session -- even if the BOOK has been
closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus, a single
BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers.
Conversely, numerous BOOK markers can be used in a single BOOK if the
user wants to store numerous views at once. The number
is limited only by the number of pages in the BOOK.
You can also make
personal notes next to BOOK text entries with optional programming
tools, "Portable Erasable Nib Cryptic Intercommunication
Language Styli" (PENCILS).
Portable, durable, and affordable, BOOK is being hailed as a precursor
of a new entertainment wave. BOOK's appeal seems so certain that
thousands of content creators have committed to the platform and
investors are reportedly flocking to invest.
Look for a flood of new titles soon.
Unknown Author
One of God's main jobs is making people. He makes them to replace
the
ones that die so there will be enough people to take care of things
on
earth. He doesn't make grown-ups, just babies. I think because they
are
smaller and easier to make. That way, He doesn't have to take up
His
valuable time teaching them to talk and walk. He can just leave
that to
mothers and fathers.
God's second most important job is listening to prayers. An awful
lot
of this goes on, since some people, like preachers and things, pray
at
times besides bedtime. God doesn't have time to listen to the radio
or
TV because of this. Because He hears everything there must be a
terrible
lot of noise in His ears, unless He has thought of a way to turn it
off.
God sees everything and hears everything and is everywhere which
keeps
Him pretty busy. So you shouldn't go wasting His time by going over
your mom and dad's head asking for something they said you couldn't
have.
Atheists are people who don't believe in God. I don't think
there are any in Chula Vista. At least there aren't any who come to
our
church.
Jesus is God's Son. He used to do all the hard work like walking on
water and performing miracles and trying to teach the people who
didn't
want to learn about God. They finally got tired of Him preaching to
them and they crucified Him.
But He was good and kind like His Father and He told His Father that
they didn't know what they were doing and to forgive them and God
said
OK.
His Dad (God) appreciated everything that He had done and all His
hard
work on earth so He told Him He didn't have to go out on the road
anymore, He could stay in heaven.
So He did.
And now He helps His Dad out by listening to prayers and seeing
things
which are important for God to take care of and which ones He can
take
care of Himself without having to bother God. Like a secretary only
more important.
You can pray anytime you want and they are sure to hear you because
they
got it worked out so one of them is on duty all the times.
You should always go to Church on Sunday because it makes God happy,
and
if there's anybody you want to make happy, it's God.
Don't skip church to do something you think will be more fun like
going
to the beach. This is wrong! And, besides, the sun doesn't come
out at
the beach until noon anyway.
If you don't believe in God, besides being an atheist, you will be
very
lonely, because your parents can't go everywhere with you, like to
camp,
but God can.
It is good to know He's around you when you're scared in the dark or
when you can't swim very good and you get thrown into real deep
water by
big kids.
But you shouldn't just always think of what God can do for you. I
figure God put me here and He can take me back anytime He pleases.
And that's why I believe in God.
Written by D.D., age 8, from Chula Vista, California, for his third grade homework assignment to "Explain God."
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see
if he
can find the perfect present, again!
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an
answer
you don't want to hear.
6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared
to
discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster
trucks.
8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like
every other cat.
9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
10. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the
tides. Let it be.
11. Shopping is not sport.
12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
14. You have too many shoes.
15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect them to
like
it.
16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your
Dad
probably is too.
17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
18. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark
anniversaries on a calendar.
19. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from
point
blank range. they're bound to miss sometimes.
20. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes-what makes you think
we'd
be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good
with your
dress?
21. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
23. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.
24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
25. Check your oil.
26. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
27. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
28. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz
together.
29. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an
argument.
All comments become null and void after 7 days.
30. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't
expect us
to act like soap opera guys.
31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the
ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know
how
pretty you are?
33. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it
done - not both.
35. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.
36. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
37. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to
complain about having their boobs stared at.
38. Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like
you
do.
39. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed
makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to
deter
us
from reading the magazines.
40. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two
months we were going out.
To realize the value of ONE YEAR, ask a student who failed a
grade.
To realize the value of ONE MONTH, ask a mother who gave birth to
a premature baby.
To realize the value of ONE WEEK, ask the editor of a weekly
newspaper.
To realize the value of ONE HOUR, ask the lovers who are waiting
to meet.
To realize the value of ONE MINUTE, ask a person who missed the
train.
To realize the value of ONE SECOND, ask a person who just avoided
an accident.
To realize the value of ONE MILLISECOND, ask the person who won a
silver medal in the Olympics.
Treasure every moment that you have!
And treasure it more because you shared it with someone special,
special enough to spend your time. And remember that time waits
for no one.
Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is mystery. Today is a gift.
That's why it's called the present!!
This was sent during national friendship week with
the following attatched. Try it...cut and paste and send it out!!
It's National Friendship Week. Friends are a very rare jewel
indeed. They make you smile and encourage you to succeed. They lend an
ear, they share a word of praise, and they always want to open their
heart to us. Show your friends how much you care.....Send this to everyone
you consider a FRIEND. If it comes back to you, then you'll know you
have a circle of friends.
HAPPY FRIENDSHIP WEEK! FROM HERE TO THERE, FUNNY THINGS ARE EVERYWHERE.
D.S.
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you
like
sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep
the chips and dip coming."
Alan, age 10
"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to
marry. God decides it all the way before, and you get to find out later
who you're stuck with."
Kirsten, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by
then."
Camille, age 10
"No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get
married."
Freddie, age 6
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people."
Eddie, age 6
"You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling
at
the same kids."
Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
"Both don't want no more kids."
Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know
each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long
enough."
Lynnette, age 8
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually
gets them interested enough to go for a second date."
Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
"I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the
newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead
columns."
Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
"When they're rich."
Pam, age 7
"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess
with
that."
Curt, age 7
"The rule goes like this: if you kiss someone, then you should
marry
them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do."
Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
"I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm
never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all
grossed
out."
Theodore, age 8
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need
someone to clean up after them."
Anita, age 9
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
"There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?"
Kelvin, age 8
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
"If you want to last with your man, you should wear a lot of sexy
clothes, especially underwear that is red and maybe has a few
diamonds
on it."
Lori, age 8
"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a
truck."
Ricky, age 10
One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting
ready
for his annual trip ... but there were problems everywhere.
Four of his
elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast
as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of
being
behind schedule. STRESS
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to
visit. This upset Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were
about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven
knows where. MORE STRESS
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of
the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the
toys.
So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a
shot
of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves
had found the liquor first and there was nothing to drink. In his
frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into
hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get
the
broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from. EVEN MORE STRESS
Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He
opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas
tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't
it
just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a
lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?
...Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
A man dressed in a suit comes up to the front porch of a house
a clipboard, some papers and a briefcase. He knocks on the door
and it is answered by a middle-aged man,
"Mornin' stranger, what
can
I
do for ya?"......
"Well, sir, I represent Schneller, Barnum, and Holtz. We're paid
by private companies to canvas thousands of consumers like
yourself
for feedback on their products. Today we're soliciting comments
on
Vaseline petroleum jelly. Would you have time to answer just a
couple
of questions?"
"I don't see how a couple of questions could hurt, fire away
young
man," says the homeowner.
Looking down at his clipboard, the
survey-taker asks, "Okay...first, you do use Vaseline,
correct?"..
"Yes sir, for as long as I can remember."
"Great, now what exactly do you use it for?" replies the
survey-taker with his pen poised over his clipboard, ready to
record
the answer..
"Let's see....we use it for dry skin, chapped lips and sex."
The well-dressed man stops writing abruptly. He looks around,
leans
forward and in a low voice says "We pride ourselves in being very
thorough sir. I know how you'd use Vaseline for dry skin and
chapped lips. But would you mind telling me how you use it for
sex?"
"No problem, the homeowner says in a whisper, "we put it on our
bedroom doorknob. It keeps the kids out..
Mark
Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess
happened
upon a frog in a pond.
The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an
evil
witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a
prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom, and
you can
prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel
happy
doing so."
That night, while the princess dined on frog's legs, she laughed to
herself
and thought "I don't @#*$#@! think so."
The Rev. Jerry Falwell has stepped in to clean up children's television. A couple of weeks ago he 'outed' the apparently homosexual Tinky Winky, a character from the "Teletubbies" show, because:
But Falwell's work is far from over. Note the evidence
below:
'Nuff said.................